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January 10th, 2009
03:22 pm - ENOUGH
as soon as I know you all the way inside, every pulse and so forth such
vascillation at the touch
until I’m in your microvascular system, every vein
or in that nervous system place
forever running messages along that one tiny fingersized chord
keeping body and brain in harmony
resonating human sung vibrations
cut me open call me meat
or lover!
all serious or all smiles
all alligators and crocodiles
all true, real, real.
enough.
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August 9th, 2007
11:12 pm - happiness and bedtime
the loud voice or the giant beast
quiets me and says GO TO SLEEP
why is our home so dark in the day,
and how did it get to be that way?
i am exhausted, but i don't ever want to sleep.
goodnight.
Current Music: ooooh lordy
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July 22nd, 2007
10:40 pm - talk to no one
Knock knock.
(only crickets. Crickets moved in.)
knock knock.
(shhh, listen. Pots and pans? Scrambling for the door? No, just crickets and quiet)
knock knock.
(Who’s there?)
Heart.
(Heart Who?)
HEART ATTACK!
Current Mood:  sad
Current Music: boohoo-hoo
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July 7th, 2007
12:47 am - haiku generation
i present what's
really on my very
perplexed mind in words
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July 4th, 2007
10:54 pm - Brinks. Eras.
More brinks of more eras. Welcome to the launch of Teaching Year Part 2. Tomorrow morning. Bedtime in two minutes but in the meantime, JOURNAL!
The end of a self-destructive Summer Part A recedes into a productive self-constructive Summer Part B. The heat is on, and I am like a small smile drawn on a Shrinky Dink, expanding to become wide and real while baked in the oven. Real global oven.
I am missing some people from college- film professors and teacher assistants among others. Sometimes I wish I had taken my film major seriously. Or any part of college seriously for that matter. Now there is real life that remains, and the great thing is I get to take it seriously. Or maybe I don't- maybe that's the mistake? Taking it too seriously? Or self too seriously? There's the mistake.
I really wanted to do this musical theater improv thing in Long Beach but I can't find improv actors. Okay, lie. I haven't pursued it really, I'm sure there are people interested. I'm busy but I want it to happen.
Eventually.
For now, I teach.
Goodnight
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June 8th, 2007
12:35 pm - Musical Improv Show at The Found Theater
Exciting News. I Need You.
I am about to be musical director of a burgeoning musical improv show at The Found Theater in Long Beach. I need improvisers, and I need them now. It's not a musical improv games show- it's long form, with a structure. This theater is in a GREAT location, and this is an exciting opportunity to get some musical improv magic happening in Long Beach. We'll start with once-a-week rehearsals (probably two weeks from now) and then go from there.
Email me for more info. itsartastic@hotmail.com
(xposted in livenudepeople)
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May 28th, 2007
04:49 pm - Yamahoohaha
I have a multithousand dollar keyboard and lots of recording equipment and I still don't want to do anything but use Garageband and play Kurzweil. My little improvs inspire me. This Yamahooha thing does NOT inspire me, it intimidates me. Lots of rhythms and sounds, but not-a-one that strikes my heartstrings the way a good old-fashioned piano sound does. I think I might return it. Is that giving up? I told myself I should learn how to work this contraption. It'd be nice to know how to play with samples on this machine. But is that where my interest lies? In other news, I submitted something to http://www.learningtoloveyoumore.com/. It's not up there yet, but when it is... can you find it?
Current Music: Don't Dream It's Over
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May 8th, 2007
02:35 am - Merry Christmas
Twis the night before Christmas*, and all through the house
Two creatures are stirring. They are cats.
What with hot sticky air and invisible bugs
Cannot get to sleep, I drink tea from a mug
Awakened by slow jams and loud men who yell
And the screen from the bed-a-room window just fell
Things are falling apart just as things come together
Morning birds chirping in summer night weather
Too hot and too cold, an uncomfortable night
But tomorrow, tomorrow! The end is in sight
Counting minutes awake, need to get to sleep fast.
My first year of teaching, behind me at last!
*figurative Christmas. Christmas of the end of my first year teaching. Tomorrow. Or, today. Today in a few hours. Three hours to be exact, I need to be up and ready to go. Booooo nonsleep. (It rarely happens, but when it does, rhyming is my remedy to insomnia.)
Current Music: MEOW!
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April 29th, 2007
01:04 am - Like a Tiger Defying the Laws of Gravity
In an attempt to not take things so seriously, I come again to LiveJournal. I'm trying to stir up some brainstew. I have been shaking my empty head for the last few days, and lately the only thing substantial has been my subconscious.
I am done with teaching in 7 days. Finishing my inquiry project tomorrow- or that's the plan.
I saw "Freedom Writers" and "Human Nature."
Kaufman refined the quirk in his later films.
I have been in a mood lately and I want out. I want to tell a story that isn't mine.
I am glad I'm here, and I'm glad I'm here. It feels good to think in specifics, not in abstractions. Moving away from nebulous thoughts and feelings.
(C'mon mood shifts, shift back to good again.)
I thought of the time I went to the pet store to buy cat claw clippers and I ended up buying a cat bowtie. I also bought a leash and asked if I needed a harness to walk my cat. The checkout man remarked that it is "kind of odd" to walk a cat. We stared at each other in silence. I bought the leash.
My cats won't wear the bowtie.
Current Mood:  grateful
Current Music: Of Montreal
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April 15th, 2007
09:49 pm - Current Obsessions
* Cat Neck Puff
* Eating Tremendous Amounts of Food
* Unstuffing my Nose
* Two Weeks Left of School
* Rescrambling my Brain
* Composing for Clarinet
* And, as Always, the Future
* LAST.FM
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March 16th, 2007
10:01 pm - What Can I Give You
My grandmother is the most amazing person in the universe. I checked.
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March 2nd, 2007
11:09 pm - treehouse and a list of now
dinosaur blanket and the old white couch
broken blinds
bad habit
spending less time on obsession, more time on time
kittens
morning news
cold
mess
i am afraid of you; we are not compatible people
future
this voice, that
the cool voice
BEARD
jewish transformation
Current Mood: so cozygood
Current Music: badly drawn boy
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December 19th, 2006
03:12 am - High Time
High time I wrote a lil sumthin sumthin in this living journal. I have a warm cat on my lap in a cold place. My allergies come quickly in bursts, my sneezes are like bubbling Yellowstone fumaroles, or geysers without all of the wetness, within without. The last two days were stale, today was refreshing. The work gets done, only it gets done late. I had a breath of necessary fresh air today.
Current Music: Juliana Hatfield!
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November 9th, 2006
10:08 pm - Today is the Day
Today is incredible. I have been waiting for today for 4 months- and also for tomorrow, my first day of sleeping in in a long time. And OH will I sleep in. I have two months of freedom from the children. Two months to plan, work on projects, etc. Again I would like to reinforce the fact that I am a damn lucky lady.
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October 13th, 2006
09:59 pm - Exclusive Effusive Obtrusive Elusive
(Abusive?)
Thank you, life. You are really a good sport. I have not been patient, and I apologize.
Here Are 7 Things I Experienced Today
1) Toddler trying to pick up a wriggling sardine
2) Hermosa Beach pier, woman on bike
3) Grandpa making noises
4) Paranoid schizophrenia, fear of
5) The dream, Alive
6) Ice cream
7) Casting spells on children
I have to say, I completely adore the children in my class, even on insane days. Even on yelly days. I am lately experiencing several on-the-job maudlin moments that are completely dismantling my keep-a-distance cynicism. I think I am opening up or growing or something; I feel very real. They are beautiful, and I still firmly believe that 5th graders are the coolest; possibly because I myself still inhabit the soul that I grew in fifth grade. I just wish I was more incredible for them, and more organized.
Try, try, try.
Tonight is nice, rainy, thunder, lovely.
Tomorrow I start improv class.
Let's see just how open this new openness can be.
Current Location: Long Beach
Current Mood:  happy
Current Music: Enya-esque in Espanol, Drifting from Next Door
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October 9th, 2006
08:42 pm - On Throwing Oneself In(Tirely)
One-line poem for the conquered streets of Costa Mesa: "Am I lord or lady, or Lady as lord? I know you, Bristol, by my sword."
I thought I saw somebody I knewish in college walking down the streets of Newport, and I had the urge to roll down the window and give out an uninhibited yelp/greet, uninhibitedly. I thought, what a nice way to be, to throw myself in entirely to things- to greetings, to work, to love, to friendship, to life, to livejournal. It's the improv class I took making me feel this way, perhaps- whatever it is, suddenly there are possibilities everywhere. I like these feelings, they are rare. And I like the days when the afternoon is so far apart from the morning, it feels as though a week has passed, in the best way possible. I love the children again, I am letting things come without fear/regret/negativity- and what happens is the realization of how simple it (be, think, be) can be. This is a precious feeling. Fleeting. Captured. Click.
Nuclear threat.
Current Mood: open
Current Music: You and You and You
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September 30th, 2006
September 1st, 2006
08:58 pm - Disperse!
Today I left school early, sick to my stomach, slept all day, and my class was dispersed. Needless to say, an excellent day. A day spent sleeping is an excellent day. It is September. I am going heat camping this weekend. Heat camping is the kind of camping where you camp in the heat. I'm going to Manzanar and Bishop and then some. And to the babies being born tonight, Happy Birthday.
Current Mood:  impressed
Current Music: car tires
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August 17th, 2006
10:10 pm - Devil's Dictionary
Ambrose Bierce, thank you for the night.
Because the night belongs to lovers.
This month is almost over! When this month is over: halfway. Did I say that already? HALF. Then November. There could be some big changes in the months to come... BIG. LIFE changes. I don't know if I'm ready. My apartment needs to be clean first.
I am sneezy, sleepy.
Invisible spiders are everywhere in this apartment, and they bite me every chance they get. I am a spider bite in the shape of a girl.
I am still teaching, and now after 3 days of meetings without teaching, tomorrow I'm back in action, so we'll see how it goes. I really need a long, long, long break from this.
You know what I like? Reading Devil's Dictionary antique epigrams and stumbling across overt, offensive sexism. See below.
EPIGRAM, n.
A short, sharp saying in prose or verse, frequently characterize by acidity or acerbity and sometimes by wisdom. Following are some of the more notable epigrams of the learned and ingenious Dr. Jamrach Holobom:
..."Women in love are less ashamed than men. They have less to be ashamed of."
Who is this Holobom?
Current Mood:  accomplished
Current Music: heat wave
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July 30th, 2006
08:06 pm - Stop, Drop, and Roll
Escape to home! Not that here isn't home, because it is. It's more home than any other place has been, and I love my apartment so much it hurts- especially this weekend, did I ever. In the hiccups of space between absolute all-consuming overwhelmed anxiety, things aren't so bad. These are called weekends and moments of (fleeting) positive perspectives. In the meantime, when I face reality, I am entirely unprepared for the challenges I am experiencing as a teacher. Details, management, organization, assessment- things my program did not address very thoroughly because we were too busy talking touchy-feely. I am not keeping up with what is expected of me, and sooner or later it will all come crashing down when I am found out to be a fraud. There is a line between doing a bare minimum for sanity's sake and laziness. I should be doing more work, is the case, more preparing and less freaking out about preparing- emotionally exhausting. One day at a time actually doesn't really work in this case, because I need to know what's going on weeks ahead, months ahead, a year's worth of knowing. I am hoping that I will catch up, that I will figure things out. But the time for figuring out is running down... I am expected to know. August, you will be a bastard. July, you were difficult... and also incredibly beautiful. In the spaces where I see the beauty, I am the luckiest person in the entire world because of the amazing persons in my life and for that I am SO very grateful. In the big picture, though I am dealing (and mostly failing) with important things (lives, learning, empowerment, youngsters) I am in an incredible place in my life and when I remember that, nothing else matters. All will be well. This is a year- this is less than a year. Challenge is healthy. What a strange time of life. I am growing branches, limbs- I am growing at unprecedented rates, stretched out, pulled violently in two directions (maybe pushed together) by intense, extreme happiness and intense, extreme anxiety. That's what it must be- wavering between these energies. And there is so much nervous energy. Part of me is very much arguing that the only problem is that I'm just procrastinating and making things worse, when what I really need to do is quit whining and get to work. This is probably the biggest struggle of all, finding that the procrastinatorish, not-so-orderly working "process" I've developed over the years isn't really doing me any favors right now.
With that said, I escape my apartment, do laundry, and prepare for tomorrow.
And the next day.
I love you, last day of July.
Kisses,
Miss E
Current Mood:  indescribable
Current Music: i'm a survivor
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thegoodangel's journal