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March 16th, 2007

10:01 pm - What Can I Give You
My grandmother is the most amazing person in the universe. I checked.

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March 2nd, 2007

11:09 pm - treehouse and a list of now
dinosaur blanket and the old white couch
broken blinds
bad habit
spending less time on obsession, more time on time
morning news
i am afraid of you; we are not compatible people
this voice, that
the cool voice
jewish transformation
Current Mood: so cozygood
Current Music: badly drawn boy

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December 19th, 2006

03:12 am - High Time
High time I wrote a lil sumthin sumthin in this living journal. I have a warm cat on my lap in a cold place. My allergies come quickly in bursts, my sneezes are like bubbling Yellowstone fumaroles, or geysers without all of the wetness, within without. The last two days were stale, today was refreshing. The work gets done, only it gets done late. I had a breath of necessary fresh air today.
Current Music: Juliana Hatfield!

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November 9th, 2006

10:08 pm - Today is the Day
Today is incredible. I have been waiting for today for 4 months- and also for tomorrow, my first day of sleeping in in a long time. And OH will I sleep in. I have two months of freedom from the children. Two months to plan, work on projects, etc. Again I would like to reinforce the fact that I am a damn lucky lady.

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October 13th, 2006

09:59 pm - Exclusive Effusive Obtrusive Elusive

Thank you, life. You are really a good sport. I have not been patient, and I apologize.

Here Are 7 Things I Experienced Today

1) Toddler trying to pick up a wriggling sardine
2) Hermosa Beach pier, woman on bike
3) Grandpa making noises
4) Paranoid schizophrenia, fear of
5) The dream, Alive
6) Ice cream
7) Casting spells on children

I have to say, I completely adore the children in my class, even on insane days. Even on yelly days. I am lately experiencing several on-the-job maudlin moments that are completely dismantling my keep-a-distance cynicism. I think I am opening up or growing or something; I feel very real. They are beautiful, and I still firmly believe that 5th graders are the coolest; possibly because I myself still inhabit the soul that I grew in fifth grade. I just wish I was more incredible for them, and more organized.

Try, try, try.

Tonight is nice, rainy, thunder, lovely.

Tomorrow I start improv class.

Let's see just how open this new openness can be.
Current Location: Long Beach
Current Mood: happyhappy
Current Music: Enya-esque in Espanol, Drifting from Next Door

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October 9th, 2006

08:42 pm - On Throwing Oneself In(Tirely)
One-line poem for the conquered streets of Costa Mesa: "Am I lord or lady, or Lady as lord? I know you, Bristol, by my sword."

I thought I saw somebody I knewish in college walking down the streets of Newport, and I had the urge to roll down the window and give out an uninhibited yelp/greet, uninhibitedly. I thought, what a nice way to be, to throw myself in entirely to things- to greetings, to work, to love, to friendship, to life, to livejournal. It's the improv class I took making me feel this way, perhaps- whatever it is, suddenly there are possibilities everywhere. I like these feelings, they are rare. And I like the days when the afternoon is so far apart from the morning, it feels as though a week has passed, in the best way possible. I love the children again, I am letting things come without fear/regret/negativity- and what happens is the realization of how simple it (be, think, be) can be. This is a precious feeling. Fleeting. Captured. Click.

Nuclear threat.
Current Mood: open
Current Music: You and You and You

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September 30th, 2006

09:15 pm

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September 1st, 2006

08:58 pm - Disperse!
Today I left school early, sick to my stomach, slept all day, and my class was dispersed. Needless to say, an excellent day. A day spent sleeping is an excellent day. It is September. I am going heat camping this weekend. Heat camping is the kind of camping where you camp in the heat. I'm going to Manzanar and Bishop and then some. And to the babies being born tonight, Happy Birthday.
Current Mood: impressedimpressed
Current Music: car tires

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August 17th, 2006

10:10 pm - Devil's Dictionary
Ambrose Bierce, thank you for the night.
Because the night belongs to lovers.
This month is almost over! When this month is over: halfway. Did I say that already? HALF. Then November. There could be some big changes in the months to come... BIG. LIFE changes. I don't know if I'm ready. My apartment needs to be clean first.
I am sneezy, sleepy.
Invisible spiders are everywhere in this apartment, and they bite me every chance they get. I am a spider bite in the shape of a girl.

I am still teaching, and now after 3 days of meetings without teaching, tomorrow I'm back in action, so we'll see how it goes. I really need a long, long, long break from this.

You know what I like? Reading Devil's Dictionary antique epigrams and stumbling across overt, offensive sexism. See below.

A short, sharp saying in prose or verse, frequently characterize by acidity or acerbity and sometimes by wisdom. Following are some of the more notable epigrams of the learned and ingenious Dr. Jamrach Holobom:

..."Women in love are less ashamed than men. They have less to be ashamed of."

Who is this Holobom?
Current Mood: accomplishedaccomplished
Current Music: heat wave

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July 30th, 2006

08:06 pm - Stop, Drop, and Roll
Escape to home! Not that here isn't home, because it is. It's more home than any other place has been, and I love my apartment so much it hurts- especially this weekend, did I ever. In the hiccups of space between absolute all-consuming overwhelmed anxiety, things aren't so bad. These are called weekends and moments of (fleeting) positive perspectives. In the meantime, when I face reality, I am entirely unprepared for the challenges I am experiencing as a teacher. Details, management, organization, assessment- things my program did not address very thoroughly because we were too busy talking touchy-feely. I am not keeping up with what is expected of me, and sooner or later it will all come crashing down when I am found out to be a fraud. There is a line between doing a bare minimum for sanity's sake and laziness. I should be doing more work, is the case, more preparing and less freaking out about preparing- emotionally exhausting. One day at a time actually doesn't really work in this case, because I need to know what's going on weeks ahead, months ahead, a year's worth of knowing. I am hoping that I will catch up, that I will figure things out. But the time for figuring out is running down... I am expected to know. August, you will be a bastard. July, you were difficult... and also incredibly beautiful. In the spaces where I see the beauty, I am the luckiest person in the entire world because of the amazing persons in my life and for that I am SO very grateful. In the big picture, though I am dealing (and mostly failing) with important things (lives, learning, empowerment, youngsters) I am in an incredible place in my life and when I remember that, nothing else matters. All will be well. This is a year- this is less than a year. Challenge is healthy. What a strange time of life. I am growing branches, limbs- I am growing at unprecedented rates, stretched out, pulled violently in two directions (maybe pushed together) by intense, extreme happiness and intense, extreme anxiety. That's what it must be- wavering between these energies. And there is so much nervous energy. Part of me is very much arguing that the only problem is that I'm just procrastinating and making things worse, when what I really need to do is quit whining and get to work. This is probably the biggest struggle of all, finding that the procrastinatorish, not-so-orderly working "process" I've developed over the years isn't really doing me any favors right now.
With that said, I escape my apartment, do laundry, and prepare for tomorrow.
And the next day.
I love you, last day of July.
Miss E
Current Mood: indescribableindescribable
Current Music: i'm a survivor

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